The Count in a modern world….
I was up late the other evening burning the midnight old.. working hard on a story….I’m up on the third floor attic room with the big picture window it’s affords me lots of privacy. I get important thesis and outlines done up here. Mancave on high.. So I’m working hard…. focused on my screen… Becca…….huh? naw the details aren’t important…(heard from the screen) “yes baby all the way doown..ohoh…bang that frijole..you big nasty. When i heard a light tapping at the window but because of my focus on getting this work done…the tapping turned into more of banging? Then the tapping got loud & louder…I cursed to myself, d
irtyfrickinglittleassholeshi!.darn it i said!. I was almost done with this a ahum chapter outline…. And here is one of them damn neighbor kids is looking for one of my kids, they’re out! At sleepover i holler, f*ck Perky dingles nutz.. is what came to mind. I’m on the third floor, they must have gotten a hold of ladder and climbed up..Dragging my ass over to windows, I see it’s not a kid at all. What i see in my window is and old bald headed guy and with some f*cked-up choppers…skin green.. But that wasn’t the worst of it the DUDE WAS JUST STANDING THERE, F L O A T I N G!!! LOOKING AT ME WITH RED/GOLD GLOWING EYES…
“WHERE IS THE YOUR LADDER” I SCREAMED”
I was a thirteen year old girl meeting Justin Bieber, high pitched response , “How are you doing that that shit???”…blurted right out of my mouth. not waiting for and answer while slowly backing up, i tripped over my pants. Shockingly, around my ankles…. Not the time for this nor time for explanation/ justification, and..forget ya’ll, divorced ok?? dang.. falling on my bum, while backing up. I’m looking up at him thru the window and he doesn’t look to sadistically evil he just looks kinda pissed but still spooky, shit he’s floating. He gesturing to me to get up and come over and open the window! So looking around for witness or help..upon hearing nothing..but his craggy breathing outside the window..my words….” I, I, wait a a min minnuesha a sec..I” stammering like I lost my mind. I got up to cross..I got a little bold.. I got a big cross..a big silver cross yea… and silver bullets and silver gun and I eat and shit garlic…. so you don’t want no part of this and i got herpes t will that stop you?….Then I notice something strange, he had a pig with him…had it in his arm all the time..I didn’t notice this until it squealed. He looked at me then the pig and answered before i could even ask him. He said.. “I mayhaps geth thy thirst, whilst we spaked…thusly i carry ah, how do-ith you young flesh bags say? A fourtheth , a houceth with thee, thus insuring that I bringing no harm to thee. Or some crap like that, real Victorian spooky like..missing wasonly the spooky music. Easing over to my work station…Seing it was 3:30am, sunrise in two and half hours, note to self. I picked up the blunt and smoked .. He saw me kick back and try to chill. Knowing i was decision making, And so did he, after twenty min or so he took a slurp of pig.. I took a drag and checked to see if i had my damn camera phone. Finally having my courage steeled up. I rose and slowly approached and blurted……
YOU WANT TO BITE ME!!! His response was, “No No not so, young flesh..” he spoked. “Since your-ith thyne writer, We have a need (i’ll translate 4 u now) for someone like you. I do require your service for which i shall reward you..
Shit I almost fell for it, until he said reward. Naw mother fucker you ain’t rewarding me!!! fuck you, make me undead for the rest of time, no thanks, nope, no me, you got cash? thirteen year old girl meeting Justin Bieber, high pitchedmy quick retort….. Which seem to fume him a just a little. He then reached in his vest, Pulled a gold coin out twirled it in his bony fingers and simultaneously took a pig slurp while keeping his spooky ass eyes on me. Flicking the coin and slurping all in one motion… subconsciously showing me,
Dracula can multi-task. I better watch myself with this dude. I opened the window and invited him to a chair….fucker starts by showing off. Turns himself into mist, the pig drops to the floor with a thud..Still alive just woozy from blood loss. Then materializes in chair next to my computer. Spooky shit this is some spooky shit, bout to pinch a loaf off, got the give this dude serious props….Pale and pointy nosed and dank looking green, but smelled like Channel no. 5???? Wat the fuck’s going on?..self don’t fuck up. I pick up as he’s been talking.. ” I’m Count Vlad Dracula”..he said and was also speaking about igor his manservant. It seems Igor went and opened a Facebook account, it was low key and personal and so he didn’t mind Igor,occupying his daytime hours with such a trivial things. Then that movie came out about the teen vampires and werewolves ..what was the name he ask me? Twilight I said. “Ahh Twilight? Right craplight ever since that crap came out Igor and I can’t get these young fucker to leave me the fuck alone….what is wrong with them???” Here read this …he touches my screen and poof his email at fb shows up…his likes are at 140,032,981 and it was rising as we spoke.. I read.. Texas, laredo..Igor I’ll show you it again if you’ll send your master over to suck me.. twilight is the best of all time..proms this weekend and i need to be looking drop dead goth Beth!. Billy, Ohio, dude count! make me a vampire so i won’t be so sucky? but I’d be real sucky. Compton..Phlydog, count fuck twilight with your bitch ass. I’m gang bangalanging and if you could come over and make me a werewolves i’ll be all to smell the wimmin in heat and i won’t have to use a cap anymore i’ll be able to tear shit up..hook a ninja up..yo. See? assine comments he complained with that thick accent I continued.. BH, Cal..Buffy former vampire slayer… count, i can’t get any work, everybody want to be a damn vampire, they won’t let me kill anything.. soooo if i can like, come over to your casket, maybe this weekend??? I’m going to join u guys…and this type of messages went on for pages. As I read, he slouch down further and reached for his forty ounce pig and took a slurp…then to my surprise he reached into the ashtray and grabbed the blunt. Putting it to his wrinkled thin ass lips, it just lit, from the far end….how? Where do he get those toys?? Internally… I inquired
Looking over at the notorious Count Vlad Dracula of Transylvania from my chair he didn’t look that notorious right now. He was a shell of the vicious killer we all heard about as children, he looked tired and beat .. I felt a tinge of sadness for this demon, lost without no one to fear him, the world has changed.. What chance do he have? We spoke a little more he told about the three sister….. I don’t know, maybe because i could understand him and related and he didn’t bite me. I wanted to help.
Some of these kids today are insensitive, are so passe.. spoiled, computer twenty-four seven. Cars at sixteen…. momma i want a tatoo on my hoohoo…and cruel I hope you die daddy, i want to be a vampire! i can do make-up sooo cool and not much is needed.. And look mom & dad… you’ll never have to pay for a funeral..ever! see! Alway looking for the silver lining. So count is blunted now and he’s upside down… floating about the chair..yup upside down..fucked up and sad. What the hell am I to do? He want helps, he needs help…i gotta help this guy…I kinda like this blunt smoking, pig slurping upside down chap! Hey Count smile..As I snapped a pic……
I’m going need help..
Halloween Silly sweets..